CHOICES and CONSEQUENCES
by Nikki Holmes
Intern
Holding our Children Accountable
All Choices Have Consequences
All choices have consequences, right? Usually, our good choices have positive consequences and our negative choices have not so good consequences. At least sometimes it’s that simple, and sometimes it’s not. For example, if you eat your carrots, you can have dessert. Simple, right? Sure, but what about, “Hey let’s skip school today and take my mom’s car to the mall?”
Ok so in that situation maybe the individual is thinking…“That sounds like a great idea, no school, joy ride to the mall, and my friends will accept me.” Or “I won’t do that, I’ll go to school, get ridiculed by my friend group, and make my parents happy.”
Not so simple, right? So how do we as parents teach our kids to make good choices even when the immediate consequence may not seem so good?
Practice ,Practice, Practice
The prefrontal cortex of the brain does not fully develop until the mid-twenties. This is the part of the brain that helps us measure the consequences of our choices. Our kids don’t have this luxury, but they do have you-great parents, to help them practice learning that all choices have consequences…even when it seems like they don’t. For example, when I ask most kids in elementary school, “What happens when you come to school and have your homework done?” Almost no one says, “I have a better understanding of what my teacher is trying to teach me.” Rather they say, “Nothing.” Ah, but not true. So, then I ask, “What happens if you come to school, and your homework is NOT done?” Well, then they almost always say, “We have to stay in from recess and finish it. To that I again ask, “What is the consequence of doing the homework?” and then they say, “Oh well we get to go to recess.”
Yes, life is smoother when we make better choices for sure. It’s those in the moment choices that bring instant gratification and pain later that are the tough ones, so what do we as parents do? Well, we let them learn from them. And this is sometimes much harder for the parent than it is the child.
Sticking With It-Accountability
Daisy will not eat her carrots. The deal is, eat your carrots and you can have dessert, but she just won’t eat those carrots. Once she refuses to eat the carrots, she screams and yells and fights because she wants dessert, and you are tired because you worked all day, you have so many other things to tend to, and you just want some peace and quiet, so you give her dessert. Yes, on paper it sounds so bad, but in the moment, it just makes sense.
Maybe this will help. The message sent to Daisy is, “Hey Daisy, go ahead and scream and yell and fight about not eating your carrots because when you get louder, I give in and then you get dessert and don’t have to eat your carrots!” Daisy is the winner! But she’s really not. Because she needs you to be the grown up and guide her in the way she should go. She is loud and getting on your nerves and you want it to stop, but Daisy deserves to learn what is best for her, because you want Daisy to be her best, so you have to stay the course, endure the yelling, so that eventually, Daisy will learn that the rule is carrots and then dessert, but no amount of yelling, will get you your way.
And this is why parenting is not for the faint of heart. It is hard, and parents rarely get a break, but we are charged with raising human beings, and as tough as it is, we have to put in the hard work to give them what they deserve, the best.
Now, is eating all of your carrots the hill you want to die on, maybe not, that’s just an example. But what are your family values? What are your non-negotiables as a parent? Decide what those are and clearly communicate those to your children. For example, we get our work done before we play, so you come home, take a rest if you need one, and get started on your homework. Once you finish, you can have entertainment.
I do agree with pick your battles, and when I pick a battle, I sure want to win. Sometimes you have a child who is quite good at upping the ante and working hard to get his way. Sometimes, you forget your place, you forget you’re the parent. When things get chaotic, stay focused and remember, “I’m the parent, I know what’s best.” Whoever said, let the punishment fit the crime, was pretty wise. If discipline means to teach, then as parents, let’s teach them what we want them to learn from the specific mistakes they make. It’s important to communicate to our children that mistakes don’t define them, they teach them if they are willing to learn from them.
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