Managing a Stay at Home Family: Adopting to Family Life Under COVID-19

Those of us in families adapting to both telecommuting and homeschooling are living in uncharted territory right now. Routines are disrupted and stress levels are high. The following guidelines can help you and your family establish a feeling of stability, control, and connectedness while reducing stress.

1. Hold on to the things that help your family feel normal. Do you typically drink your coffee in the same spot every morning? Do laundry on a particular day? Walk the dog after dinner? There are so many comforting parts of our normal routine (saying good morning to coworkers, kids seeing their classmates and teachers, eating at our favorite restaurants) that abruptly stopped. Continue the routines you can. Adapt the ones you can’t. Get dressed and ready for the day, even if you aren’t going anywhere. Make sure kids eat breakfast on time. Keep all meal times on school schedules if possible. Watch favorite movies. If you're not able to gather with friends, family, or support groups, find a way to connect online. If you can't go in person to your regular counseling appointments, schedule a telehealth session.

2. Limit technology. Prioritize exercise, family time, and recreation. Studies show that as video game usage goes up, kids experience a loss of focus, trouble relating to peers, and are more likely to show signs of depression. Video games, especially online with friends, can provide a much-needed social outlet right now, but establish limits and stick with them. The same applies to teens texting friends and using social media, as well as our own social media usage and news consumption. We need to feel connected, but smart phone addiction is a serious concern. Spending too much time on devices long term can lead to back problems and nerve damage due to poor posture. Short term overuse leads to stress, symptoms of anxiety and depression, and trouble sleeping, which now, more than ever, we want to mitigate.

Exercise is one way to mitigate stress. Kids aren’t attending gym class or athletics. They aren’t walking to school or the bus stop or between classes. Adults aren’t walking around the office or going to the gym. We probably weren’t exercising enough to begin with. It’s even more important now for our physical and mental health to get moving.

Spend time together as a family. Find activities you enjoy both together and alone. Trying something new engages the brain, develops a sense of satisfaction, and lowers stress. Make sure you aren’t staying inside isolated. Spending time outside has been shown to improve mental clarity, reduce stress, and increase optimism. Go out in the backyard or drive to the park, just keep a distance from others.

3. School work is not a top priority. As a former teacher, this is really important for me to share with families. In the next few weeks, teachers and schools will be sending instructions for online learning. This is unprecedented and will not occur without hiccups. Helping kids with school work can be frustrating for adults who have their own work responsibilities and don’t have experience with teaching. It also changes the dynamics of parenting. Avoid power struggles with kids. Listen to their concerns and frustrations with empathy and create a plan for school work together. Monitor them for frustration and aim to make online learning something they look forward to instead of dread. Remind kids that this is new, and if it feels overwhelming, that’s okay. It is okay if they don’t understand directions, and it is okay if they take breaks or don’t end up completing their work. Encourage them to try, and create time in your daily schedule for school work, but stop when it becomes stressful.

It’s possible that communication from teachers and schools may create a sense of urgency for students in completing their assignments. Lowering stress and maintaining family harmony at this point is more important than doing well in school. We have the right to decide how much school work and what expectations are right for our family at this point. Once schools are up and running again, our teachers and administrators will help us catch up. There will be kids who, because they lack internet access, are watching younger siblings, because they struggle with maintaining attention and motivation, or because their stress level is too high, don’t turn in anything while school is out. And that is going to be okay. It will be addressed by the school when we return. Our kids will not fall through the cracks. We are not alone in any struggles we encounter and allowances will be made. If you have a child that struggles with perfectionism or if you or your child have an expectation of straight As, remember, grades do not matter right now. They are not a top priority, and most likely, the work done while kids are out of school will either not be graded or they will have opportunities to improve those grades. Colleges will not deny admission or scholarships because of low grades or missing work in a global pandemic. A child’s academic reputation or chance for a successful future is not going to be made or broken at this time.

4. It is impossible to give 100% right now. Just as our families may not be able to give our 100% to school, we may not be able to complete our jobs from home to the same standard as we would if we were in the office. Interruptions will happen. Miscommunication will happen. Many of us are experiencing waves of stress, frustration, and feelings of uncertainty, which are bound to affect our job performance and interactions with coworkers.

We also won’t be able to give our all to our children when balancing both work and childcare. They may need us or ask for comfort and attention at times that aren’t convenient for us if we’re working from home.

Spouses are likely to have different reactions to demands of telecommuting and homeschool as well as different reactions to social distancing and different fears connected to COVID-19. You may have too much of your own stress to listen and support someone else. You may feel your spouse isn’t doing enough to support you. Tempers are more likely to flare in times of stress. Be forgiving.

You may have parents you support or who support you, who have different stressors, needs, and fears.

Forgive yourself if you feel like you aren’t the perfect employee, parent, spouse, child, etc. Forgive yourself if you feel like you aren’t able to do it all. You aren’t. You’re human. If you try to do it all, you also run a very high risk of burning yourself out. Right now, you want to do everything you can to keep yourself and your family healthy, which includes limiting stress.

5. Create a schedule. Having a stable routine creates a sense of normalcy, reduce arguments about screen time and other activities, and ensure time is allocated for the things that are important. If you aren’t used to eating all your meals at home, it can feel as if you’re suddenly running a restaurant out of your kitchen. Our dishwashers are getting a workout. Evaluate your current household needs, and have kids help. Just as with school, set your kids up for success with chores. Praise them, even if they complain about chores or they don’t vacuum the house to your satisfaction. It might help to remember you don’t have to have a clean house right now: most likely, you won’t have company coming over for a while.

Kids are in school for 7 or more hours a day, but if you subtract lunch, recess, physical education and electives, dismissal and attendance, games and breaks, they really aren’t focusing on actual school work more than a few hours a day. Most homeschool research recommends three or less hours a day, breaks included, for focusing on core subjects. It’s also suggested that a child’s attention span is equal to their age in minutes. Thus, a typical 10-year-old can sustain attention for 10 minutes before needing a break. For young children, safety and supervision is a top priority. For older children, establish times in which they can interrupt you with questions and times they have to be self-sufficient so that work is interrupted less often. Decide ahead when you will spend time as a family, establish when you have to be at work, and determine when you need time alone to recharge.

6. Communicate that rules will change. Some families feel comfortable allowing their children to go to friends’ houses right now. Some don’t. Make sure that kids know you’re making the safest decision with the information you’re given right now. Not being able to go out feels a lot like being grounded. Make sure kids know they aren’t in trouble and that staying at home isn’t a punishment. Validate their frustration and let them know that you feel frustrated not allowing them to do the things they want too.

7. Prioritize family meetings and check ins. Kids may not have the vocabulary to express fears and frustrations. They are probably feeling a lot right now. Check in with them often. Encourage them to ask questions about COVID-19 when they have them, but help them to not hyper-focus on their fears. Validate their concerns, but stay calm. Telling them not to worry and that everything will be okay can feel dismissive and make them less likely to express fears in the future. It’s okay to tell them you don’t have all the answers. Make sure they understand that things they see online or on tv may be based on rumors and share information with them that is developmentally and age appropriate. Remind them that staying away from others that are ill and washing their hands greatly reduces their chances of getting ill. Remind them that most people who catch this virus recover and that we are staying home to be extra careful. Our kids may have fears about us being ill as well. Assure them you are doing your best to stay safe.

We are most likely spending a lot more time together than we ever have as families, which can easily lead to us stepping on each other’s toes. Spend time on a regular basis checking in to see how everyone is doing. Go over family rules and routines, especially if they are changing, and make sure to respectfully address concerns and confusion. Give kids input and choices. Everyone needs to feel like they have some degree of control. Encourage family members to express feelings and work things out instead of having resentments. Don’t minimize fears and questions family members have. Encourage open communication. Perhaps a blessing in disguise is that we have an opportunity to become closer with the people who matter the most to us during this uncertain time.