HOW WE TALK TO OURSELVES MATTERS

Have you ever made a mistake and found yourself thinking “how could I be so stupid?” or maybe “Of course I messed this up, I always mess things up.” Many of us tend to default into mean, negative, and sometimes hurtful self-talk when we have made a mistake. We might think things about ourselves that we would never say out loud to someone else unless we were trying to start a fight. Although this experience is not uncommon, it can often be unproductive and lead us to feel worse than we already feel. Changing this thought habit can be very hard and it takes a lot of practice.

The first thing that can help in changing this habit is stopping to think about why we wouldn’t say similar comments to those we love. Often it is because we don’t want to upset them of course. Beyond that, however, lies a deeper truth and it is that we won’t tend to believe the bad thoughts when it applies to those we love. Let’s say for example a friend made a mistake and lost their wallet. We would likely tell them that mistakes happen, or chalk it up to them being overwhelmed with too many other things. We probably would not think that they are stupid, or reckless, or bad just because they lost their wallet. We extend our friends grace because we know they are more than their worst habits and more than their mistakes. So if we can do this for our friends and loved ones, then we ought to try to do it for ourselves too.

Beating ourselves up for a mistake does not actually fix the mistake. In the case of the lost wallet, I could call myself every name in the book and it won’t help me find the wallet. What it will do is make the existing situation worse. This is where we can learn to intervene. Instead of saying mean things to ourselves we can extend grace and try to re-frame the situation. For instance, we might tell ourselves “I’ve been very busy, it was hard to keep track of things.” This type of thought gives context to our mistakes allowing us to know that the situation is temporary. In other situations, we might reflect and realize that we are struggling not because we are not good enough but rather because the situation itself is difficult, and most people would struggle in that situation. We can reframe our mistakes as learning opportunities. Or we can focus on the notion of progress over perfection.

The more grace and kindness we learn to extend towards ourselves the more able we will be to handle difficult situations. Being overly harsh or mean in our self-talk only serves to reduce our feelings of competence, add to anxiety, and make us feel worse. Instead, let’s build ourselves up the way we would a friend. Choose kind thoughts and see if that makes a difference.