HOW TO TALK TO YOUR TEEN

Most parents have been there, they see that something is bothering their teen and they want to give support. Yet, actually talking to them can feel like navigating a mine field because seemingly small things can set them off. At the same time not saying anything feels like the wrong choice as well. So here are my top five tips for engaging with your teenager successfully.

1)Listen: I know what you might be thinking, this one seems obvious, but listening can be harder than it seems. The first thing to remember is that you want to listen to understand not listen to respond. So often with teenagers we think we know exactly what they are feeling because we’ve been teenagers too. But jumping in with advice and reassurance too quickly can make teens feel unheard, misunderstood, and even belittled. So, the first step is to actively listen. Given them your full mental attention and try to stop yourself from thinking of what you want to say in response. This also means paying attention to off-hand comments, and body language. Paying attention does not mean jumping into interrogation mode it means paying attention to the things your teenager thinks are important.

2)Reflect your understanding: This one goes hand in hand with listening and it is how we show we have listened and understood. Reflecting means exactly what it sounds like, to reflect to your teen what you hear them saying. Use their own words to describe their experiences. Provide your understanding. This can look like summarizing what they say, for example, “I’m hearing that you are really stressed out (or another appropriate feeling) because of (insert some of their exact wording).” It can also look like asking questions “There is so much going on in what you’ve shared with me, what is the most upsetting part.” By asking questions and using reflections we help people to feel heard and understood. In doing that you have crossed the first bridge of communication. So often teenagers do not want to hear advice because they believe that no one understands, helping them to feel understood will make them feel less alone and more willing to listen to your perspective.

3)Pick your moment: For so many teens talking to their parents feels awkward, sharing their feelings is hard, and having to explain their problems can feel mortifying. For many parents, the idea of trying to sit down your teen for a heart to heart feels impossible. Research has shown that teenagers respond better to conversations that happen around a shared activity. This can mean cooking, engaging in a shared hobby, playing a game, or even washing the dishes. Having a shared activity to do cuts some of the tension and provides an external reason to be together. Once you find an activity that works you can use that as a regular way to check in. Sometimes the conversations will be serious, sometimes they will be lighthearted. By having a regular and comfortable habit of talking while you do something it will make it easier for teenagers to bring up issues that bother them and it will facilitate conversation.

4)Validate their feelings: Being a teenager is hard, especially now. Sometimes as adults we get so wrapped up in the stress that we feel (bills, work, responsibilities, the world chaos) that it is easy to forget that teenagers have very real concerns, feelings, and stress. Not only are they dealing with trying to manage school work, they are also trying to figure out who they are, where they fit in the world, and how to have healthy relationships with everyone else in their lives (all while their bodies go through significant changes). For many of us it is during our teenage years when we first encounter big emotions, whether it is the pain of the first heart break, the shame that accompanies messing up in front of friends, or the anxiety of not being good enough. Teenage years are when we learn to cope. As adults we often want to make teens feel better by putting their feelings in context. For example, one might say to a newly broken up teenage girl “you’ll have plenty of boyfriends in the future, he isn’t worth your tears.” As adults we might know that first heart breaks don’t often last but for that young girl the sadness and pain is real. As parents the best thing we can do is validate. Letting teenagers know that their feelings are real, normal, and okay. Instead of dismissing feelings try validating phrases such as “That sounds really painful” or “I can understand why you are so anxious.” Let your teen know that it is ok to not be ok.

5)Show praise and affection: Although it might seem like teens don’t care about what you have to say, most of them really want their parents to feel proud. For many teens’ things like depression, anxiety, or trauma can make them feel like they are not worthy of love or like they are not good enough. Parents know that they love their child unconditionally but expressing that to your teen is still necessary. Show affection in ways that feel comfortable to you. When you give praise make sure you praise effort and not just the end result. This will help your teen know that trying is important and encouraged. Tell your teen what you like about them, when you feel proud, or when they pleasantly surprise you. They will appreciate it even if they feel a little embarrassed. If they do something to disappoint or upset you, share those feelings and correct their behavior but also remind them that you continue to love them.

Talking to teenagers can be hard, but it is so important to just keep trying. Hopefully, these tips can help you out in improving that communication. Remember to be kind to yourself as well, you are doing your best!