HOW TO SURVIVE A DISTANT HOLIDAY SEASON

As the holiday season approaches many are going to be struggling with both how to set boundaries and how to create connections. Most of us are facing difficult decisions about whether to travel and see loved ones. There is no easy choice. As someone who has had to spend many special moments away from family and loved ones I have learned a few tricks about how to handle the difficult emotions that come up. I hope these are also helpful to you. I also want to acknowledge that for millions of people across the USA this holiday season will feel different not only because we are socially distanced but because they have permanently lost someone close to them. If you are one of those people my heart goes out to you. This season may be hard but it will be survivable. 1. Feel what you feel: It is ok to be sad and upset that you are missing your family. Holidays are a time when we tend to crave connection, acknowledging that loss is appropriate.

2. Reframe the situation: Remind yourself (and others) of the valid reasons why you cannot get together. Remind yourself as well that holidays only have the importance that we assign to them. That is to say that they are important because we give them meaning. Thus, if we give meaning to the separation (e.g., We won’t be joining you for thanksgiving to keep everyone we love safe) it will be easier to be at peace with that choice. If this choice/separation is out of your control it might feel better to treat the holiday like a regular day.

3. Perspective and gratitude: So often when we are feeling sad we tend to minimize the positive experiences and wallow in the negative feelings. Granted tip one said that we are allowed to feel our feelings but we don’t want to be overwhelmed by them. This tip focuses on trying to highlight the good and the existence of mixed emotions. We can be sad and grateful. We can try and have perspective that a short term sacrifice might bring long term rewards. We can remind ourselves that this sadness and discomfort is temporary. We can know that the pain of missing someone comes from having loved deeply. Finding gratitude in things big and small helps us to feel grounded. Research has shown that the most resilient people are those who find reasons to be grateful even during adversity. What are you grateful for this season?

4. Create connection: In times of hardship imagination is your best friend. The old adage says that home is where the heart is and the same can be true of traditions. Being inventive to find moments of connection even if we are far away is crucial. Call each other, use video to chat. A great way of establishing connection is to engage in the same activity (e.g., cooking the same meal, watching movies) while connecting via phone or video. If your loved one has passed away consider doing activities that remind you of them or that lets you keep their presence close. If remembering them is too painful seek comfort and connection to others in your life.

5. Set boundaries: Boundaries may sound like pushing people away but in reality they help us bring each other closer through better relationships. Letting people know how to interact with you helps them to engage with you in a healthy way. This might mean making your preference about safety guidelines clear (e.g., I love you but I do not feel comfortable with you visiting right now). It might also mean setting boundaries around conversation topics (e.g., I would rather not talk about this right now). Finally, because holidays are so related to food it might also mean asking others not to comment on your food or weight (e.g., It’s painful when you make comments about my weight could we focus on something else). The trick with boundaries is to be clear and when possible to be kind. Most people will not want to hurt you but they might not realize how they are being upsetting. By setting those boundaries and giving them an alternative topic of conversation/action we enable healthier interactions.

6. Check in with yourself and seek help if you need it: No matter how many tips and self-help (even professional help) we get this season can be really hard. Only you can know just how dark this time is for you. If you are feeling alone reach out to friends, professionals, or even hotline numbers. You do not have to make it through this alone. If this is a time of pain it can sometimes feel as though there is no hope and no end to the pain in sight. But this too shall pass. If you need help you can reach out to crisis line numbers, therapists, friends, and family. Below are some crisis line numbers you can text or call, they are available in English and Spanish and have texting options. National Crisis hotline (available 24/7) - 800-273-8255 Trevor Project Hotline (LGBTQ+ available 24/7) - 1-866-488-7386 I wish you the best during this holiday season. May we find reasons to be grateful, and moments of peace. I hope these tips help you to feel connected during these socially distanced times.