Elements of Change

Transitioning from one stage of life to the next can often be daunting and confusing. Whether your transition is related to eliminating unhealthy relationships, changing your career, attaining personal goals, or any number of other areas, developing a plan to guide your transition can make the change less scary and easier to obtain. Today we’ll explore four different areas that all play a vital role in your transition. The four areas are: 1) a healthy sense of urgency, 2) reviewing options and paths to achieve them, 3) accepting the necessity of change, and 4) focusing on realistic goals and making plans in line with those goals. Most of us recognize that change needs to be made, but are ambivalent about actually making the change. We’re faced with a tough fork in the road, the pain the comes with staying the same on one route and the pain that change brings on the other. Having a plan that includes the four areas above can make the path to change clearer, less anxiety provoking, and more attainable.

Let’s start by exploring what it means to have a healthy sense of urgency. Healthy is the key word here! Most of us fall into the trap of either doing far too little or trying to do far too much, all at once. Clearly, procrastination is a big enemy of change, but a little less clearly lurks another enemy - fatigue. Procrastination - we’ve all been there! We know that a relationship is unhealthy or that we aren’t happy with our job, but keep putting off the tough conversation or the job search. On one hand, tough conversations can lead to awkwardness and rejection and job searching can be exhausting and also full of rejection. On the other hand, unhealthy relationships lead to stress and anxiety and employment that is draining you of life can lead to unhappiness and lethargy. Let’s look at fatigue using the same too scenarios, by having too many tough conversations or rushing those conversations the result can be emotionally draining and create tiredness and by applying for 50 jobs a day the chance of feeling rejected and unmotivated increase. Having a healthy sense of urgency not only reminds you of the need to change, but also keeps you focused by warding off procrastination and fatigue. Finding motivation by either digging deep or with the help of a therapist can heighten your sense of urgency and help you boldly continue down the scary path of change. Do too little and the situation you’re in will continue to bog you down; do too much and you can wear yourself out. Identifying what healthy transitions look like and strategies to maximize your efforts are crucial in maintaining a pace that will move you towards your goals without making the process super painful and tiresome. This is an area that partnering with your therapist can provide a tremendous benefit. Together the two of you can identify what your true motivations are, how to tap into that motivation, and can set clear boundaries to keep your sense of urgency healthy.

The next area we’re going to explore is reviewing options and paths to achieve them. Many people feel that there is only one way that conflict can be resolved or only one type of job they can do. The limiting self-statements that we’ve learned to make over the years are a big hindrance in identifying which options are available and how we’re going to get there. For example, some parents feel the only way to get through to their teenage child is by punishment or some other version of external control. This becomes a way of being rather than thinking through other options that might lead to a more mutually beneficial and attractive result. Very rarely is there only one path or one strategy to make the changes that you want to make. Take a minute to imagine a mountain climber who is tackling Mount Everest. If the mountain climber only focuses on the peak and ignores the many, many steps it takes to get there, the chances of succeeding drop significantly. Due to a number of challenges including weather, acts of nature, and overall difficulty the climber can’t expect to reach the peak without deviating from the initial plan. If the climber refuses to reevaluate and adjust the chances of success, again, diminish greatly. The more successful approach includes focusing on the step that is right in front of the climber, analyzing how that immediate step relates to the overall goal, and making adjustments as needed. By looking only at the peak, one can lose sight of the process! Taking time to analyze your current strategy and enlisting the help of your counselor to talk through potential alternative strategies is an excellent way to uncover new options and outline the exact steps those options need.

Accepting the necessity of change is one of the biggest challenges we’ll explore. Many times people have an image in their mind of what something or someone is and it can be really challenging to divorce oneself from that image. A perfect example is someone who is in a bad relationship and romanticizes the concept of being in a relationship rather than analyzing how that relationship is related to their unhappiness. Accepting that something in your life has to change can be tough and your therapist can help you with it. The first step is recognizing that the situation your in does not match your skills/talents/desires/values. If you feel unsatisfied in any aspect of your life, there may be a need to change something.

Some changes require multiple steps over an extended period of time and other changes need more immediate action. Regardless of what area in your life you want to transition out of, one of the best strategies is to set realistic goals and makes plans. Remember the mountain climber I mentioned before? Do you think he or she tackles the climb without a plan in place? No one can expect to immediately reach the peak of the “mountain” they’re climbing without having realistic goals and making plans. Let’s say you’re single and looking for the right romantic relationship that will satisfy all your needs. If you take no action, what are the chances your perfect 10 knocks on your door and immediately transports you to relationship heaven? Not very high. You can, however, make a realistic plan to increase your exposure both in person and online and set realistic goals of how and when your plan will evolve. So what is a realistic goal anyway? A realistic goal is attainable (is this actually possible?), measurable (how will I know when I’ve reached this goal?), and time bound (when should I be able to reach this goal?). Many goals fail simply because they are not broken down into small enough pieces. Having a therapist to guide you, help hold yourself accountable, and help you break down each step of your journey can be immensely helpful.

What changes do you want to make? What transitions need to happen to give you a more satisfying and meaningful life? These questions can be tough to answer and even harder to take action on. We’re here to help! In collaboration with you, we can put together a plan that helps you identify and accept the transitions that need to take place, how to approach them with an appropriate sense of urgency, what your current options look like, and a plan that helps you set realistic goals and a path to achieve them. Don’t wait for January 2020 to take the first step in conquering your mountain!