CHILDHOOD ADVERSITY

Childhood adversity is tragically common in American society and correlates heavily with an adult’s health, success, and ability to protect the next generation from similar hardships. While the intricacies of an ideal childhood could be debated, it’s typically agreed upon that children need, and should be provided with: safety, stability, unconditional love and respect, support and encouragement, and opportunities to engage with and become successful in the world around them.

Human nature dictates that our parents will be better or worse at providing some of these things than the parents’ of our peers and that our neighborhoods, educational experiences, communities, and other life situations factor in as well. Those of us with trauma often come with a pretty significant range of deficiencies. Those with what is termed ‘good enough’ parents and good enough childhoods also arrive in adulthood with strengths and deficiencies. That’s just the way it is.

These strengths and deficiencies compose the fabric of our relationships with others and draw a roadmap for success or failure. We don’t have to follow that map blindly, but without examining the relationship patterns we emulate or avoid and the wounds we carry, most of us do.

Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings often start by reading over the “Laundry List”, 14 statements that I’ve found are generally true for anyone whose childhood was unstable or unsafe. Touching on themes of isolation, fear of authority, people pleasing, low self-esteem, and warped concepts of guilt, love, and responsibility, reading through the list can be overwhelming. Identifying these weaknesses in ourselves often evokes feeling victimized, angry, and helpless. The “Laundry List” is followed, however, by the reading of its flip side. Through understanding our history, our insights become strengths. Our eyes open, and patterns change. Item 14 on the flip side: we [become] actors, not reactors.

The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study in the 1990s examined health and social effects of abuse, neglect, and household dysfunction. It found that as our ACE score goes up, so does our risk for chronic disease, mental health diagnoses, and substance abuse. Exponentially. Adverse experiences however, just like items on the ‘Laundry List’, are only one part of the equation. Protective or resiliency factors such as the presence of a supportive parent or other adult, a sense of community, and strong friendships help mitigate harm.

As parents, we can help our kids develop resiliency, mitigate harm, and overcome hardship by recognizing factors that put them at risk. We can support them by being available and open for conversation, providing an atmosphere of trust and encouragement, and by providing them with the opportunity to work through obstacles with a licensed professional. It can be hard to put aside guilt and fear when we realize our children have gone through something difficult. It can be hard to acknowledge that as parents we didn’t or weren’t able to protect our children from harm, and it’s helpful for us to have someone to work through our feelings with as well. By healing ourselves, we pave the way for our children to do the same.

Whether we have children or not, it's important to recognize a history of adversity in our own lives. However, remember that it does not have to define us. It’s never too late to develop resiliency; it’s a lifelong process. Recognizing unhealthy behavior patterns and working to correct them, prioritizing both mental and physical wellness, and fostering supportive relationships are important. A counselor’s assistance as we work to understand the past, its effect on us, and the steps needed to follow the path in life we both want and deserve provide structure, support, and validation.