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Sugar Land Counseling Center Blog
CHOICES and CONSEQUENCES
by Nikki Holmes
Intern
September 15, 2023
EMPOWERING YOUR HIGHSCHOOLER
by Nikki Holmes
Intern
August 26, 2023
TIPS TO HELP YOUR CHILD OR TEEN DEAL WITH ANXIETY
by Alexandra Jodlowski, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
August 23, 2023
Is your child experiencing anxiety? Know when it is time to seek professional help. According to the American Psychological Association, anxiety is “an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts, and physical changes like increased blood pressure.”
-Is your child presenting physical signs of anxiety such as headaches, fast heartbeat or breathing, vomiting/nausea, feeling restless, tearfulness, tension or trouble sleeping?
-Is your child’s anxiety persistently affecting his everyday routine?
Anxiety can be tough to handle at home and even more so when we are living fast-paced lives and we are on the go. Having some tips at hand can come a long way when helping your child feel better and can help you cope better as a family. Make sure you…
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Be on the lookout for physical signs of anxiety. You know your child the best and can easily pick up on any behavior changes/patterns.
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Do not panic, instead help your child relax by trying a deep breathing exercise. This will help with his/her emotional regulation and will bring them calm.
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Validate your child’s fear. It is important for them to feel heard and respected. And, most importantly understood by their loved ones.
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Help your child face their fears by walking the path along with them and providing verbal and emotional support to show you care and empathize with their situation.
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Make a plan and put it in action. This can boost confidence and make a huge impact on overcoming anxiety. Start with baby steps and celebrate progress with meaningful rewards.
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Give yourself grace as you are doing your best to help your child! And always remind yourself: You can do this!
WHY IS GOING TO THERAPY HARD?
by Florencia Iturri, Ph.D.
Post Doctoral Fellow
March 31, 2021
Why is going to therapy hard even if I know it is good for me?
A friend was recently telling me that every time she has a therapy appointment coming up she finds herself wanting to avoid it. She shared that she often feels a bit scared and anxious about her upcoming sessions even though she finds them very helpful and usually feels better about it. These same feelings can keep people from seeking out help when they are trying to find a therapist for the first time. So why does this happen and is it normal?
The first thing to know is that this feeling is often a form of resistance and it is very common. In psychology, resistance is generally viewed as the opposition to the therapeutic process, even if we know it might help us. And this is because therapy can feel uncomfortable. For most people therapy sessions bring up a lot of emotions. Sometimes therapy also has us think and talk about difficult, sad, embarrassing, or even scary experiences. It is often not fun to have to think about things that make us feel bad. So when we are faced with an upcoming session that we know will make us vulnerable we might feel a little apprehensive. The first step in overcoming this is knowing that it happens. The second step requires working with your therapist to overcome the apprehension. For many people having a treat after therapy can help make the process easier.
Trusting the process can be helped by having a good relationship with your therapist. We care and want you to find therapy helpful. I want to know the things that make you uncomfortable so that we can decide if they can be changed or if it is a necessary discomfort for growth. That is a collaborative choice because you are the expert on yourself. Though your therapist may challenge you and might give you insights that are hard processes, you should not feel invalidated by them. Feeling nervous to see your therapist is not the same as distrusting your therapist. Therapy can be hard but it should not feel unsafe. If you feel that you cannot trust your therapist then they might not be the therapist for you. You should also know that if you do not like an approach your therapist is taking or if they say something that does not sit right with you, you can and should talk to them about it. Therapists are human so we make mistakes so you can let your therapist know if something isn’t working for you. If you feel like your therapist is not right for you, that does not mean therapy is not right for you. Sometimes it is not a good client/therapist fit, this can happen for a lot of reasons. If you feel like this has happened you can try and find a different one.
The most important thing to remember when it comes to feeling nervous about therapy is that growth often happens right outside of our comfort zone. Change is hard but not impossible. And if you are wondering if it is the right time to start therapy…it probably is, at least it is worth a conversation.
WHAT I LEARNED FROM 2020
by Florencia Iturri, Ph.D.
Post Doctoral Fellow
December 31, 2020
It is the last day of the year, and what a year it has been. For all of us, 2020 brought surprises, challenges, and change. For many of us, 2020 was also marked by grief, pain, anxiety, and loss. I hope that in between the pandemic, the political madness, the racial trauma, and the myriad of upsetting events of the year, each of us found moments of peace and joy, however brief they might have been. Though I am happy to leave 2020 behind, I know that little will change when the clock strikes midnight. So I decided that instead of new year resolutions I wanted to choose some lessons to take with me into the new year. 2020 was not what we expected and in that comes the first lesson I wish to take forward. We cannot control what happens to us but we can try to control how we react. Life (and this year) are unpredictable, and often the best of plans crumble around us. This year taught many of us that when things are out of our control we can do small things to make the best of the situation. Whether it is re-framing how we see the moment to find a silver lining, or changing our approach completely we can always have some choices in how we may improve a situation. We can try and react with grace, or strength, or empathy, all of which are likely to lead us to a better place than anger or intolerance. In the vein of choosing how to react to what happens around us, I have re-learned the importance of appreciating and celebrating the small joys in life. Often in the hustle and bustle of life, we focus only on the big moments, promotions, engagements, trips, etc. In a year where we were forced to take pause, small victories became essential. Whether it was finally learning how to cook a good salmon, sticking to a skincare routine, or making sure to call loved ones each week, it was all about the small things that bring joy and purpose. While at times these small achievements might feel insignificant the reality is that our lives are made up of small moments. Choosing to celebrate and find joy in these small moments leads to a greater sense of fulfillment. Finally, in a year where so much life was lost, where so many moments of joy were stifled, and where the world seemed to be so dark, it can feel impossible to rescue good moments. And in those dark days, the lesson we learn is that if we can survive, then this moment too shall pass. There is great comfort in knowing that you have walked through the darkest night and lived to see the dawn. So to the new year, I wish you all the virtues that got us through 2020: patience, kindness, resilience, humor, and empathy. May 2021 show us all kinder days.
HOW TO SURVIVE A DISTANT HOLIDAY SEASON
by Florencia Iturri, Ph.D.
Post Doctoral Fellow
November 25, 2020
As the holiday season approaches many are going to be struggling with both how to set boundaries and how to create connections. Most of us are facing difficult decisions about whether to travel and see loved ones. There is no easy choice. As someone who has had to spend many special moments away from family and loved ones I have learned a few tricks about how to handle the difficult emotions that come up. I hope these are also helpful to you. I also want to acknowledge that for millions of people across the USA this holiday season will feel different not only because we are socially distanced but because they have permanently lost someone close to them. If you are one of those people my heart goes out to you. This season may be hard but it will be survivable.
1. Feel what you feel: It is ok to be sad and upset that you are missing your family. Holidays are a time when we tend to crave connection, acknowledging that loss is appropriate.
2. Reframe the situation: Remind yourself (and others) of the valid reasons why you cannot get together. Remind yourself as well that holidays only have the importance that we assign to them. That is to say that they are important because we give them meaning. Thus, if we give meaning to the separation (e.g., We won’t be joining you for thanksgiving to keep everyone we love safe) it will be easier to be at peace with that choice. If this choice/separation is out of your control it might feel better to treat the holiday like a regular day.
3. Perspective and gratitude: So often when we are feeling sad we tend to minimize the positive experiences and wallow in the negative feelings. Granted tip one said that we are allowed to feel our feelings but we don’t want to be overwhelmed by them. This tip focuses on trying to highlight the good and the existence of mixed emotions. We can be sad and grateful. We can try and have perspective that a short term sacrifice might bring long term rewards. We can remind ourselves that this sadness and discomfort is temporary. We can know that the pain of missing someone comes from having loved deeply. Finding gratitude in things big and small helps us to feel grounded. Research has shown that the most resilient people are those who find reasons to be grateful even during adversity. What are you grateful for this season?
4. Create connection: In times of hardship imagination is your best friend. The old adage says that home is where the heart is and the same can be true of traditions. Being inventive to find moments of connection even if we are far away is crucial. Call each other, use video to chat. A great way of establishing connection is to engage in the same activity (e.g., cooking the same meal, watching movies) while connecting via phone or video. If your loved one has passed away consider doing activities that remind you of them or that lets you keep their presence close. If remembering them is too painful seek comfort and connection to others in your life.
5. Set boundaries: Boundaries may sound like pushing people away but in reality they help us bring each other closer through better relationships. Letting people know how to interact with you helps them to engage with you in a healthy way. This might mean making your preference about safety guidelines clear (e.g., I love you but I do not feel comfortable with you visiting right now). It might also mean setting boundaries around conversation topics (e.g., I would rather not talk about this right now). Finally, because holidays are so related to food it might also mean asking others not to comment on your food or weight (e.g., It’s painful when you make comments about my weight could we focus on something else). The trick with boundaries is to be clear and when possible to be kind. Most people will not want to hurt you but they might not realize how they are being upsetting. By setting those boundaries and giving them an alternative topic of conversation/action we enable healthier interactions.
6. Check in with yourself and seek help if you need it: No matter how many tips and self-help (even professional help) we get this season can be really hard. Only you can know just how dark this time is for you. If you are feeling alone reach out to friends, professionals, or even hotline numbers. You do not have to make it through this alone. If this is a time of pain it can sometimes feel as though there is no hope and no end to the pain in sight. But this too shall pass. If you need help you can reach out to crisis line numbers, therapists, friends, and family. Below are some crisis line numbers you can text or call, they are available in English and Spanish and have texting options.
National Crisis hotline (available 24/7) - 800-273-8255
Trevor Project Hotline (LGBTQ+ available 24/7) - 1-866-488-7386
I wish you the best during this holiday season. May we find reasons to be grateful, and moments of peace. I hope these tips help you to feel connected during these socially distanced times.
METANOIA- Change your Mind for Healing, Wellness, & Wholeness
by Randy Ditmore, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
July 23, 2022
Metanoia is a Greek word meaning “to change one’s mind.” It is used in the original Greek scriptures to indicate a change of mind or direction which came into English as “repent” or to have a change of heart. It is also used in psychology to indicate healing or reintegration after a trauma or psychotic break. It is descriptive of the experience that many have after a psychedelic experience which is now being utilized as another intervention in psychotherapy. We are all familiar with the concept of “changing our mind”, but for most of us this usually means changing a decision regarding an action we are undertaking. Metanoia is more about a change of perspective or an increase in awareness of and in ourselves that of course may lead to different decisions. In my experience as a mental health counselor, I have seen this play out multiple times when a person suddenly develops an awareness of their underlying cognitive habits or patterns of thinking that resulted from family of origin dynamics or traumatic experiences.
Over the past 50 years there has been a shift away from the artificial Cartesian split between mind and body. In 1978, the American Psychological Association created division 38 – Society for Health Psychology with a focus not just on behavioral health conditions but also on behavioral interventions for medical conditions. Research in psychoneuroimmunology and other disciplines continues to erase this artificial division, and physicians and other healthcare practitioners are beginning to integrate this new paradigm into clinical practice. Integrated practices consisting of physicians and behavioral health clinicians are increasing in number. There is well documented evidence of Tibetan Buddhists monks and other meditative practitioners’ ability to slow the heart rate and lower blood pressure among other seemingly impossible physiologic responses to these practices. The placebo effect is another example of the complex interaction between mind and body. Neuroscientists and other researchers are hard at work to determine the underlying physical and chemical mechanisms for these physiologic responses. The mind and body are not separate units. What affects the mind affects the body. What affects the body affects the mind. David Field in the novel Death Among the Nightingales states “It has been my experience that those who enjoy health of mind are less susceptible to maladies of a purely biological nature; likewise those who are sick in mind are more inclined to fall prey to contagion.”
Mindfulness can best be described as a relaxed state of awareness that includes both the external environment and our internal environment including our bodies and thoughts. Although this description is straightforward, anyone who has attempted mindfulness meditation knows that it takes regular practice to attain the benefits. The most difficult aspect is to not get caught up in our thoughts. This involves a detached awareness of our thoughts. One way this is often described is imagining our thoughts as clouds floating through our minds and gently returning our attention to our breathing or whatever anchor we use for the practice of mindfulness. There is no right or wrong way to practice and there are a variety of techniques. Please contact me if you are interested in “changing your mind.”
WHAT IS EMDR?
by Sonia Fields-DePass, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
February 22, 2022
What is EMDR?
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. This therapeutic modality, developed by Francine Shapiro, Ph.D., has been proven to help alleviate symptoms of trauma and emotional distress. It was first used for the treatment of PTSD and was found to alleviate anxiety that accompanied PTSD symptoms by allowing the client to focus briefly on the trauma. Usually, the brain can process information and move on from it. In the case of a traumatic experience, such as a car accident or being attacked, the information becomes trapped in your brain. When this traumatic information is unable to be processed, it continues to be present in your limbic system. This limbic system is responsible for the “fight or flight” response. Traumatic memories that are stored there can continually be triggered when an event similar to the original
experience occurs. In most cases, you are not thinking of the original event. You go on with life, putting these memories behind you. Unfortunately, the painful feelings that remain in your nervous system manifest as anxiety, panic, or even phobias. These symptoms can continue to be triggered in the present.
What would your session look like?
After a thorough assessment and treatment planning, you would be asked to identify a specific disturbing memory. The processing is done with bilateral stimulation. In this case, the therapist will move their fingers back and forth in front of you, and you follow with your eyes. This movement mimics what happens during REM sleep. Other forms of bilateral stimulations use a lightbar, tappers, or headphones (to play a tone that goes back and forth). After each set of bilateral stimulation, you may experience changes in thoughts, images, or feelings. You can talk about these as much or as little as you feel like. With repeated sets of stimulation, the intensity of the original memory will decrease. The memory will still be there, but the way you relate to it will change.
There are 8 phases to the treatment.
Phase 1 - History taking: You are assessed for readiness and a treatment plan is developed. At this time, possible targets are identified. Targets can be distressing memories or incidents that are related from the past.
Phase 2 - Preparation: Your therapist makes sure that you are equipped to handle any
emotional distress that may occur during processing. You will learn self-regulating tools such as safe places, containment, and various mindfulness practices.
Phase 3 - Assessment (or setting up target): During this phase, you will access the memory to be targeted and gather information to reprocess the memory. Negative and positive cognitions or beliefs about yourself in the present will be examined.
Phase 4 - Desensitization: You will actually begin to reprocess the memory using the chosen bilateral stimulation.
Phase 5 - Installation (of a positive cognition): The positive belief about yourself will be further examined. You can decide if it still fits or if you would like to change it.
Phase 6 - Body scan: You will be directed to do a body scan looking for areas in the body where there may be residual tension.
Phase 7 - Closure: This phase includes debriefing. You will be guided through a safe place,
containment exercise, or other stabilizing and orienting methods that are already in place. You are asked to keep a log of related experiences outside of session.
Phase 8 - Re-evaluation: You and your therapist will check on the status of the work in the next session. Has the target been resolved? Have additional targets around the original incident been reprocessed?
EMDR is not hypnotism. During the therapy you remain fully awake, in control, and can stop the process at any time. EMDR may not be for everyone. After building rapport with your therapist, it can then be decided if this therapy is a good fit for you. EMDR can be used as a part of your treatment process and can be integrated with other treatment modalities. For further information about EMDR, please visit www.EMDRIA.org or www.EMDR.org. I am currently accepting new clients and would be happy to speak with you about whether EMDR might be helpful for you.
HOW WE TALK TO OURSELVES MATTERS
by Florencia Iturri, Ph.D.
Post Doctoral Fellow
September 10,2021
Have you ever made a mistake and found yourself thinking “how could I be so stupid?” or maybe “Of course I messed this up, I always mess things up.” Many of us tend to default into mean, negative, and sometimes hurtful self-talk when we have made a mistake. We might think things about ourselves that we would never say out loud to someone else unless we were trying to start a fight. Although this experience is not uncommon, it can often be unproductive and lead us to feel worse than we already feel. Changing this thought habit can be very hard and it takes a lot of practice.
The first thing that can help in changing this habit is stopping to think about why we wouldn’t say similar comments to those we love. Often it is because we don’t want to upset them of course. Beyond that, however, lies a deeper truth and it is that we won’t tend to believe the bad thoughts when it applies to those we love. Let’s say for example a friend made a mistake and lost their wallet. We would likely tell them that mistakes happen, or chalk it up to them being overwhelmed with too many other things. We probably would not think that they are stupid, or reckless, or bad just because they lost their wallet. We extend our friends grace because we know they are more than their worst habits and more than their mistakes. So if we can do this for our friends and loved ones, then we ought to try to do it for ourselves too.
Beating ourselves up for a mistake does not actually fix the mistake. In the case of the lost wallet, I could call myself every name in the book and it won’t help me find the wallet. What it will do is make the existing situation worse. This is where we can learn to intervene. Instead of saying mean things to ourselves we can extend grace and try to re-frame the situation. For instance, we might tell ourselves “I’ve been very busy, it was hard to keep track of things.” This type of thought gives context to our mistakes allowing us to know that the situation is temporary. In other situations, we might reflect and realize that we are struggling not because we are not good enough but rather because the situation itself is difficult, and most people would struggle in that situation. We can reframe our mistakes as learning opportunities. Or we can focus on the notion of progress over perfection.
The more grace and kindness we learn to extend towards ourselves the more able we will be to handle difficult situations. Being overly harsh or mean in our self-talk only serves to reduce our feelings of competence, add to anxiety, and make us feel worse. Instead, let’s build ourselves up the way we would a friend. Choose kind thoughts and see if that makes a difference.
CHILDHOOD ADVERSITY
by Amanda Trost, LPC-A
Licensed Professional Counselor- Associate
June 14, 2021
Human nature dictates that our parents will be better or worse at providing some of these things than the parents’ of our peers and that our neighborhoods, educational experiences, communities, and other life situations factor in as well. Those of us with trauma often come with a pretty significant range of deficiencies. Those with what is termed ‘good enough’ parents and good enough childhoods also arrive in adulthood with strengths and deficiencies. That’s just the way it is.
These strengths and deficiencies compose the fabric of our relationships with others and draw a roadmap for success or failure. We don’t have to follow that map blindly, but without examining the relationship patterns we emulate or avoid and the wounds we carry, most of us do.
Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings often start by reading over the “Laundry List”, 14 statements that I’ve found are generally true for anyone whose childhood was unstable or unsafe. Touching on themes of isolation, fear of authority, people pleasing, low self-esteem, and warped concepts of guilt, love, and responsibility, reading through the list can be overwhelming. Identifying these weaknesses in ourselves often evokes feeling victimized, angry, and helpless. The “Laundry List” is followed, however, by the reading of its flip side. Through understanding our history, our insights become strengths. Our eyes open, and patterns change. Item 14 on the flip side: we [become] actors, not reactors.
The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study in the 1990s examined health and social effects of abuse, neglect, and household dysfunction. It found that as our ACE score goes up, so does our risk for chronic disease, mental health diagnoses, and substance abuse. Exponentially. Adverse experiences however, just like items on the ‘Laundry List’, are only one part of the equation. Protective or resiliency factors such as the presence of a supportive parent or other adult, a sense of community, and strong friendships help mitigate harm.
As parents, we can help our kids develop resiliency, mitigate harm, and overcome hardship by recognizing factors that put them at risk. We can support them by being available and open for conversation, providing an atmosphere of trust and encouragement, and by providing them with the opportunity to work through obstacles with a licensed professional. It can be hard to put aside guilt and fear when we realize our children have gone through something difficult. It can be hard to acknowledge that as parents we didn’t or weren’t able to protect our children from harm, and it’s helpful for
us to have someone to work through our feelings with as well. By healing ourselves, we pave the way for our children to do the same.
Whether we have children or not, it's important to recognize a history of adversity in our own lives. However, remember that it does not have to define us. It’s never too late to develop resiliency; it’s a lifelong process. Recognizing unhealthy behavior patterns and working to correct them, prioritizing both mental and physical wellness, and fostering supportive relationships are important. A counselor’s assistance as we work to understand the past, its effect on us, and the steps needed to follow the path in life we both want and deserve provide structure, support, and validation.
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU ARE FEELING OVERWHELMED WITH TASKS
by Florencia Iturri, Ph.D.
Post Doctoral Fellow
May 13, 2021
We’ve all been there, days when everything feels a little too much. Maybe work gave you a new project or life just handed you one more lemon. The temptation for many of us is just to want to avoid the situations that are causing us stress. Of course, that often leads to greater problems later. So while avoidance may help us feel a little better right now, it often leads to us feeling guilty, overwhelmed, and behind later. Avoidance can also have more concrete negative consequences if deadlines are missed. So how do we handle it?
1) Handle your anxiety – Before we can get anything done it is important to get our minds and bodies into a calmer state rather than one of anxiety and panic. “But Dr. Flo I don’t have time for that” you might say. The truth is that we can make time for a little break, and often little breaks help us be more productive with our time later. So take a literal minute to do some deep breathing. Drink a glass of water, stretch your body, say an affirmation, go for a walk if you need it. Remind yourself that you can take charge of your situation. Often it by taking a meaningful break we can re-group faster than you’d imagine. Once you’ve slowed your heart rate, and taken a second let's jump into making an action plan.
2) Identify the tasks – If you can identify the pattern of avoidance it becomes easier to break it. Similarly, we often feel overwhelmed by the things we have to do because we see them all as a big conglomerate. So instead break down the tasks so you know exactly what you have to do. You can do this in a list, plop them into your calendar, use sticky notes, an excel sheet, or whatever system works best for you.
3) Prioritize – Often tasks are overwhelming because we don’t know where to start. In reality, not all things are equally important. Some tasks may be urgent/time-sensitive, some tasks may be important, and some may be both or neither. Not every urgent task is important, and not every important task is urgent. Sometimes this means that we end up filling our schedule with urgent but unimportant tasks which leads to bigger problems long term. By identifying the urgency and importance of each task you will be better able to decide which tasks need to get done first, which tasks can be delegated, or delayed, and which tasks need special attention so they don’t get forgotten.
4) Schedule – Once you have prioritized your tasks, try to set up a schedule so you can see when things can get accomplished. When first scheduling tasks it is important to budget some wiggle room so that if things take longer than expected you can accommodate for that. It is also important that your schedule is not so overbooked that you don’t have time to breathe, eat meals, or otherwise relax. After all, if you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to get anything done.
5) One at a time – Once you have done your prep work the trick is to avoid avoidance and just start. Sometimes it is best to pick an easy task, or a short one. This can help give you a sense of mastery and completion. Use that momentum to continue working through the rest of your tasks. When you feel overwhelmed refer back to your list of tasks and your schedule. If you need a break, TAKE A BREAK; however, don’t let that break morph into avoidance. Setting a timer for a break can be helpful with this. Because the hardest step in completing a task is often starting the task make deals with yourself to just take it a step at a time. If a task is still too overwhelming, break it down into even smaller steps if you need to.
These steps can be very helpful when you start feeling overwhelmed with the number of tasks you have to do. But some extra tips to remember is that it is okay to ask for help or extensions. It is not only okay to take breaks and rest, but they are also essential. Being mean to yourself (or others) is not the best way to get things done, instead try being kind, encouraging, and patient. And finally, remember to reward yourself, doing hard things (even if you had to do them anyway) can always feel a little better if we have something to look forward to, Like Mary Poppins used to say, “a spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down.” I believe you can do it, just take a deep breath, and take it a step at a time.
HOW TO TALK TO YOUR TEEN
by Florencia Iturri, Ph.D.
Post Doctoral Fellow
Ocober 29, 2020
Most parents have been there, they see that something is bothering their teen and they want to give support. Yet, actually talking to them can feel like navigating a mine field because seemingly small things can set them off. At the same time not saying anything feels like the wrong choice as well. So here are my top five tips for engaging with your teenager successfully.
1)Listen – I know what you might be thinking, this one seems obvious, but listening can be harder than it seems. The first thing to remember is that you want to listen to understand not listen to respond. So often with teenagers we think we know exactly what they are feeling because we’ve been teenagers too. But jumping in with advice and reassurance too quickly can make teens feel unheard, misunderstood, and even belittled. So, the first step is to actively listen. Given them your full mental attention and try to stop yourself from thinking of what you want to say in response. This also means paying attention to off-hand comments, and body language. Paying attention does not mean jumping into interrogation mode it means paying attention to the things your teenager thinks are important.
2)Reflect your understanding – This one goes hand in hand with listening and it is how we show we have listened and understood. Reflecting means exactly what it sounds like, to reflect to your teen what you hear them saying. Use their own words to describe their experiences. Provide your understanding. This can look like summarizing what they say, for example, “I’m hearing that you are really stressed out (or another appropriate feeling) because of (insert some of their exact wording).” It can also look like asking questions “There is so much going on in what you’ve shared with me, what is the most upsetting part.” By asking questions and using reflections we help people to feel heard and understood. In doing that you have crossed the first bridge of communication. So often teenagers do not want to hear advice because they believe that no one understands, helping them to feel understood will make them feel less alone and more willing to listen to your perspective.
3)Pick your moment – For so many teens talking to their parents feels awkward, sharing their feelings is hard, and having to explain their problems can feel mortifying. For many parents, the idea of trying to sit down your teen for a heart to heart feels impossible. Research has shown that teenagers respond better to conversations that happen around a shared activity. This can mean cooking, engaging in a shared hobby, playing a game, or even washing the dishes. Having a shared activity to do cuts some of the tension and provides an external reason to be together. Once you find an activity that works you can use that as a regular way to check in. Sometimes the conversations will be serious, sometimes they will be lighthearted. By having a regular and comfortable habit of talking while you do something it will make it easier for teenagers to bring up issues that bother them and it will facilitate conversation.
4)Validate their feelings – Being a teenager is hard, especially now. Sometimes as adults we get so wrapped up in the stress that we feel (bills, work, responsibilities, the world chaos) that it is easy to forget that teenagers have very real concerns, feelings, and stress. Not only are they dealing with trying to manage school work, they are also trying to figure out who they are, where they fit in the world, and how to have healthy relationships with everyone else in their lives (all while their bodies go through significant changes). For many of us it is during our teenage years when we first encounter big emotions, whether it is the pain of the first heart break, the shame that accompanies messing up in front of friends, or the anxiety of not being good enough. Teenage years are when we learn to cope. As adults we often want to make teens feel better by putting their feelings in context. For example, one might say to a newly broken up teenage girl “you’ll have plenty of boyfriends in the future, he isn’t worth your tears.” As adults we might know that first heart breaks don’t often last but for that young girl the sadness and pain is real. As parents the best thing we can do is validate. Letting teenagers know that their feelings are real, normal, and okay. Instead of dismissing feelings try validating phrases such as “That sounds really painful” or “I can understand why you are so anxious.” Let your teen know that it is ok to not be ok.
5)Show praise and affection– Although it might seem like teens don’t care about what you have to say, most of them really want their parents to feel proud. For many teens’ things like depression, anxiety, or trauma can make them feel like they are not worthy of love or like they are not good enough. Parents know that they love their child unconditionally but expressing that to your teen is still necessary. Show affection in ways that feel comfortable to you. When you give praise make sure you praise effort and not just the end result. This will help your teen know that trying is important and encouraged. Tell your teen what you like about them, when you feel proud, or when they pleasantly surprise you. They will appreciate it even if they feel a little embarrassed. If they do something to disappoint or upset you, share those feelings and correct their behavior but also remind them that you continue to love them.
Talking to teenagers can be hard, but it is so important to just keep trying. Hopefully, these tips can help you out in improving that communication. Remember to be kind to yourself as well, you are doing your best!
Everything is Momentary
by Adriana Gonzalez, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
March 22, 2020
Considering we are experiencing a nationwide Pandemic it comes to no surprise that many people are struggling to adjust to what is happening around us. Though we do not have control of what is yet to come, we do have control of how we cope with this. Now more than ever it is important to practice ‘self care’ and be mindful of the Corona virus as well as what we can do to take care of ourselves.
Several stressors are associated with the coronavirus right now. These stressors may include: an uncertainty of what’s yet to come as well as job instability, the fear of catching the virus, worry about having enough essential items, and concern over how this may affect us and our loved ones in the future. Though all of these stressors are valid, it’s important to remember that all of this is momentary and we will get through this. In order to have a sense of normalcy in this pandemonium, it is important that we try to create a routine so that we don’t get discouraged.
Begin by making sure that you’re following the protocol concerning the virus but also be aware of your mental state. By creating a routine or a safe space (whether that means going for a walk or waking up at a specific time), it helps to create a sense of peace and in doing so it helps with any anxiety. Another thing to remember is that few times do we get the opportunity to stay at home and be surrounded by loved ones or do things in the home that we have been putting off. For instance, ask yourself, “when was the last time I cleaned out my closet,” or “played board games with my family?” Or “took time to do a hobby, whether that is read,write, or paint?” Lets use this time to ground ourselves and really think about what is really important. For instance, rather than worry about what is yet to come, lets focus on the here and now and how we are coming together in this crisis. Instead of stressing that the kids are not in school or are not learning, maybe they can be taught other things from the people that they care for the most. Do they know how to cook for instance, or do they know how to do laundry? Do they know about finances and how to budget? If not, then maybe this could become a teachable moment. Practicing self care and making sure that there is a healthy balance in your life is essential during this time. Even if it may be difficult, remember that your mindset plays an essential role in how you will react in a state of crisis. Remember the tool set that you may have and trust that together we will overcome this obstacle.
Managing a Stay at Home Family: Adopting to Family Life Under COVID-19
by Amanda Trost
March 21, 2020
Those of us in families adapting to both telecommuting and homeschooling are living in uncharted territory right now. Routines are disrupted and stress levels are high. The following guidelines can help you and your family establish a feeling of stability, control, and connectedness while reducing stress.
1. Hold on to the things that help your family feel normal.
Do you typically drink your coffee in the same spot every morning? Do laundry on a particular day? Walk the dog after dinner? There are so many comforting parts of our normal routine (saying good morning to coworkers, kids seeing their classmates and teachers, eating at our favorite restaurants) that abruptly stopped. Continue the routines you can. Adapt the ones you can’t. Get dressed and ready for the day, even if you aren’t going anywhere. Make sure kids eat breakfast on time. Keep all meal times on school schedules if possible. Watch favorite movies. If you're not able to gather with friends, family, or support groups, find a way to connect online. If you can't go in person to your regular counseling appointments, schedule a telehealth session.
2. Limit technology. Prioritize exercise, family time, and recreation.
Studies show that as video game usage goes up, kids experience a loss of focus, trouble relating to peers, and are more likely to show signs of depression. Video games, especially online with friends, can provide a much-needed social outlet right now, but establish limits and stick with them. The same applies to teens texting friends and using social media, as well as our own social media usage and news consumption. We need to feel connected, but smart phone addiction is a serious concern. Spending too much time on devices long term can lead to back problems and nerve damage due to poor posture. Short term overuse leads to stress, symptoms of anxiety and depression, and trouble sleeping, which now, more than ever, we want to mitigate.
Exercise is one way to mitigate stress. Kids aren’t attending gym class or athletics. They aren’t walking to school or the bus stop or between classes. Adults aren’t walking around the office or going to the gym. We probably weren’t exercising enough to begin with. It’s even more important now for our physical and mental health to get moving.
Spend time together as a family. Find activities you enjoy both together and alone. Trying something new engages the brain, develops a sense of satisfaction, and lowers stress. Make sure you aren’t staying inside isolated. Spending time outside has been shown to improve mental clarity, reduce stress, and increase optimism. Go out in the backyard or drive to the park, just keep a distance from others.
3. School work is not a top priority.
As a former teacher, this is really important for me to share with families. In the next few weeks, teachers and schools will be sending instructions for online learning. This is
unprecedented and will not occur without hiccups. Helping kids with school work can be frustrating for adults who have their own work responsibilities and don’t have experience with teaching. It also changes the dynamics of parenting. Avoid power struggles with kids. Listen to their concerns and frustrations with empathy and create a plan for school work together. Monitor them for frustration and aim to make online learning something they look forward to instead of dread. Remind kids that this is new, and if it feels overwhelming, that’s okay. It is okay if they don’t understand directions, and it is okay if they take breaks or don’t end up completing their work. Encourage them to try, and create time in your daily schedule for school work, but stop when it becomes stressful.
It’s possible that communication from teachers and schools may create a sense of urgency for students in completing their assignments. Lowering stress and maintaining family harmony at this point is more important than doing well in school. We have the right to decide how much school work and what expectations are right for our family at this point. Once schools are up and running again, our teachers and administrators will help us catch up. There will be kids who, because they lack internet access, are watching younger siblings, because they struggle with maintaining attention and motivation, or because their stress level is too high, don’t turn in anything while school is out. And that is going to be okay. It will be addressed by the school when we return. Our kids will not fall through the cracks. We are not alone in any struggles we encounter and allowances will be made. If you have a child that struggles with perfectionism or if you or your child have an expectation of straight As, remember, grades do not matter right now. They are not a top priority, and most likely, the work done while kids are out of school will either not be graded or they will have opportunities to improve those grades. Colleges will not deny admission or scholarships because of low grades or missing work in a global pandemic. A child’s academic reputation or chance for a successful future is not going to be made or broken at this time.
4. It is impossible to give 100% right now.
Just as our families may not be able to give our 100% to school, we may not be able to complete our jobs from home to the same standard as we would if we were in the office. Interruptions will happen. Miscommunication will happen. Many of us are experiencing waves of stress, frustration, and feelings of uncertainty, which are bound to affect our job performance and interactions with coworkers.
We also won’t be able to give our all to our children when balancing both work and childcare. They may need us or ask for comfort and attention at times that aren’t convenient for us if we’re working from home.
Spouses are likely to have different reactions to demands of telecommuting and homeschool as well as different reactions to social distancing and different fears connected to COVID-19. You may have too much of your own stress to listen and
support someone else. You may feel your spouse isn’t doing enough to support you. Tempers are more likely to flare in times of stress. Be forgiving.
You may have parents you support or who support you, who have different stressors, needs, and fears.
Forgive yourself if you feel like you aren’t the perfect employee, parent, spouse, child, etc. Forgive yourself if you feel like you aren’t able to do it all. You aren’t. You’re human. If you try to do it all, you also run a very high risk of burning yourself out. Right now, you want to do everything you can to keep yourself and your family healthy, which includes limiting stress.
5. Create a schedule.
Having a stable routine creates a sense of normalcy, reduce arguments about screen time and other activities, and ensure time is allocated for the things that are important. If you aren’t used to eating all your meals at home, it can feel as if you’re suddenly running a restaurant out of your kitchen. Our dishwashers are getting a workout. Evaluate your current household needs, and have kids help. Just as with school, set your kids up for success with chores. Praise them, even if they complain about chores or they don’t vacuum the house to your satisfaction. It might help to remember you don’t have to have a clean house right now: most likely, you won’t have company coming over for a while.
Kids are in school for 7 or more hours a day, but if you subtract lunch, recess, physical education and electives, dismissal and attendance, games and breaks, they really aren’t focusing on actual school work more than a few hours a day. Most homeschool research recommends three or less hours a day, breaks included, for focusing on core subjects. It’s also suggested that a child’s attention span is equal to their age in minutes. Thus, a typical 10-year-old can sustain attention for 10 minutes before needing a break.
For young children, safety and supervision is a top priority. For older children, establish times in which they can interrupt you with questions and times they have to be self-sufficient so that work is interrupted less often. Decide ahead when you will spend time as a family, establish when you have to be at work, and determine when you need time alone to recharge.
6. Communicate that rules will change.
Some families feel comfortable allowing their children to go to friends’ houses right now. Some don’t. Make sure that kids know you’re making the safest decision with the information you’re given right now. Not being able to go out feels a lot like being grounded. Make sure kids know they aren’t in trouble and that staying at home isn’t a punishment. Validate their frustration and let them know that you feel frustrated not allowing them to do the things they want too.
7. Prioritize family meetings and check ins.
Kids may not have the vocabulary to express fears and frustrations. They are probably feeling a lot right now. Check in with them often. Encourage them to ask questions about COVID-19 when they have them, but help them to not hyper-focus on their fears. Validate their concerns, but stay calm. Telling them not to worry and that everything will be okay can feel dismissive and make them less likely to express fears in the future. It’s okay to tell them you don’t have all the answers. Make sure they understand that things they see online or on tv may be based on rumors and share information with them that is developmentally and age appropriate. Remind them that staying away from others that are ill and washing their hands greatly reduces their chances of getting ill. Remind them that most people who catch this virus recover and that we are staying home to be extra careful. Our kids may have fears about us being ill as well. Assure them you are doing your best to stay safe.
We are most likely spending a lot more time together than we ever have as families, which can easily lead to us stepping on each other’s toes. Spend time on a regular basis checking in to see how everyone is doing. Go over family rules and routines, especially if they are changing, and make sure to respectfully address concerns and confusion. Give kids input and choices. Everyone needs to feel like they have some degree of control. Encourage family members to express feelings and work things out instead of having resentments. Don’t minimize fears and questions family members have. Encourage open communication. Perhaps a blessing in disguise is that we have an opportunity to become closer with the people who matter the most to us during this uncertain time.
Why Breathing is the Answer (but probably not the way you do it)!
by James Matson, LCSW
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
March 19, 2020
Just Breathe A simple solution for managing your stress, anxiety or anger. But do you know the most effective way breathing can manage your emotions?
In an age where experts tout meditation as a panacea for all things mental, emotional and physical, you might be surprised to learn that the neuroscience research supports regulated breathing over meditation for anxiety and stress management.
Dr. Stephen Porges, author of Polyvagal Theory, writes that any regulated breathing that tones the Vagus nerve, “tricks” the brain into moving away from the flight, fight, freeze reaction (the parasympathetic response at the core of stress and anxiety) and into a rest, relax and digest mode.
Porges explains that the key to toning the vagus nerve is to exhale longer than you inhale.
A popular example of proper regulated breathing comes from holistic physician, Dr. Andrew Weil. He champions the 4-7-8 breathing technique. 4-7-8 breathing is “utterly simple, takes almost no time, requires no equipment and can be done anywhere.”
4-7-8 Breathing Exercise
· sit with a straight back
· clear your lungs with an exhale through the mouth
· inhale through the nose for a count of four
· hold your breath for a count of seven
· exhale through the mouth for a count of eight
Weil recognizes that the 4-7-8 ratio is more important than rigidly adhering to the count. You may be more comfortable with a longer or shorter count. In his instructions, the exhale is twice as long as the inhale. Porges and Weil agree on this crucial point.
I’ve worked successfully with clients that had anxiety, panic, anger and even dissociation. All have benefited from this regulated breathing technique. It is both an intervention and a practice. I recommend that clients take time out everyday to practice from fifteen to thirty minutes of regulated breathing. But you can also use it to manage your central nervous system as it accelerates into panic or rage.
Porges encourage us to be creative with our vagus nerve toning. For example, he points out that the practice of humming also uses a brief intake of breath, holding and slowly breathing out. So does singing, playing a kazoo and blowing bubbles. Perhaps being playful everyday for thirty minutes is the fun and easiest way into the serious business of emotional regulation.
So now that you know how, Just Breathe...Out Longer than you Breathe In.
Teens on the Spectrum and Establishing Friendships
by Kiran Mishra, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
March 11, 2020
Developing and maintaining friendships in the middle school and high school years presents as a challenge for most teens, but for those on the Autism Spectrum, the challenges are usually even greater. When kids are younger, parents and even teachers generally help with ensuring social connections by doing things such as arranging play dates or not allowing the distribution of birthday party invitations to only some in the classroom. However, when they enter into the pre-teen and teen years, kids usually form their own friend groups based on such things as interests. Given the nature of such intensely focused interests or preoccupations of those on the spectrum, they may find it difficult to integrate with other teens during their middle and high school years. Moreover, reading subtle social cues, reading body language and facial expressions, and getting things such as jokes are inherently nonintuitive for those on the spectrum, making this even more challenging. Other things that frequently go along with ASD, such as stimming, additionally contribute to the challenge of integrating with other teens, as the other teens may perceive the ASD teen as different. While most pre-teens and teens desperately want to fit in, many if not most on the spectrum are no different. Due to some of the above-mentioned challenges they may face, teens on the spectrum frequently face feelings of isolation, rejection, low self esteem, and often sadness and anxiety. Thus, it is important for parents, family members and even teachers/educators to set them up for success as much as possible.
What can we do to help pre-teens and teens on the spectrum integrate and develop meaningful friendships? It's first important to ask them how they think and feel about it and whether they would like to have friends and be more integrated with peers, and understand why. Some on the spectrum crave friendships and sadly, feel alone, while others are happy being more to themselves. For those that desire friendships, modeling and role playing can be effective in teaching them how to do things such as initiate and maintain conversations with others. Encourage them to go out of their comfort zone by initiating rather than waiting to be approached by others. They can do things such as go and sit with a student they see sitting alone in the cafeteria and begin a conversation. Additionally, teach your child to stand up for themselves if you see them getting taken advantage of or being bullied. This will likely help with their self esteem. Thirdly, because most teens want to blend in rather than stand out, it is helpful to ensure they fit in with their appearance. This includes hygiene issues and attire. It's often a bonus if they have a sibling who is in the know when it comes to things such as pop culture, trends, etc. with their age group. Another way for them to make connections is to help them get involved in extra-curricular activities. These may be through school clubs/organizations, school sports, or community activities such as acting classes or group tennis lessons. These may just be starting points for activities they may really learn to enjoy and develop, while also allowing them to be part of a group of peers that will hopefully foster enhancement of social skills and friendships. Encouragement to push outside of their comfort zones from supportive adults and siblings can be very important.
While this topic warrants more attention, these are simply a few things you can do to assist your teen in making and developing friends. Other resources are available to help pre-teens and teens such as individual therapy and group therapy (which can help with social skills in a group setting). Sugar Land Counseling Center offers both of these therapies. We have an ongoing middle school group and a high school group and hope to help kids, teens, and all on the spectrum. Sugar Land Counseling Center also provides psychological testing to determine diagnosis of Austism Spectrum Disorder.
On Perfectionism
by Amanda Trost, Graduate Student
February 12, 2020
When we crack open a fortune cookie at the end of a meal, it’s not the stale, folded up, cardboard-textured wafer that holds the appeal; it’s the message inside that we look forward to, tearing into it eagerly, searching for some deeper meaning, or maybe just good lotto numbers. My favorite fortune cookie message is one that reminds me not to be so hard on myself. It reads, “Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.” This is a message worth memorizing for those who struggle with perfectionism.
While we live in a society in which academic and career achievement are prized, there are times in life when it’s okay to be naïve, inconsistent, or flat out wrong. Not only is it okay to be these things, doing so allows us to learn. It seems logical that in order to succeed at something, we have to first try, to practice, and accept a high probability of failure. In Emerson’s words, every artist was once an amateur.
Additionally, it’s okay to make mistakes even in areas you have had plenty of experience and practice. Humans are just that – human. We make mistakes and become better versions of ourselves because of them. We become more experienced, develop humility, are reminded of our humanity, and can then practice good judgment because of our imperfections. Understanding this doesn’t mean we ignore mistakes though. When clients come in struggling with perfectionism, they have already overdone it analyzing the situation and feeling shame.
There’s a difference between striving for your best and beating yourself up when you fail to reach your goals. Goals give us motivation. Done right, we realize a goal is an experiment external to our sense of self, something we can try-out and attempt to reach as a part of living life fully. Failing to reach a goal doesn’t equate to failure in life. Done right, goals help us feel a sense of satisfaction when we work towards, meet, or exceed them. Done wrong, we accept nothing less than perfection and can easily turn into people-pleasers, workaholics or procrastinators, and be crippled by anxiety or depression.
Often, perfectionism is seen as a badge of honor. We hear others humblebrag about their perfectionist ways. Perfectionism is not, however, a super-power. It develops as a compensation for insecurities and fear of the unknown.
One part of the solution lies in just that: embracing feelings of shame, judgment, and blame. Feel these things when you make a mistake or fall short of your goals, take a deep breath, and remind yourself that they are universal human feelings. You are not alone.
Evaluating the appropriateness of these feelings helps, too. Many people find the 10-year question helpful. Will the failure you’re worried about right now make an impact in 10 years? Sometimes, the impact of a mistake is serious. Often, consequences aren’t as dire as we initially believe they may be. Have you convinced yourself that one mistake (or even a series of mistakes) will ruin your life? Have you blown a particular failure out of proportion? Will you really be fired or flunk out of school, is a relationship actually now beyond repair? Give yourself a reality check. Now would be a good time to remind yourself of the things you are proud of, the past accomplishments you have made, or the potential that you have to try again. Then, you can make a level-headed decision to move on and let go of the situation or get on track to fix it.
If necessary, make peace with your current stage of life. Be who you are now. If you fail to reach perfection at a developing skill, remind yourself you are not an expert just yet. Reframe the way you speak to yourself, and focus on mistakes as a process instead of final results. Realize that you are an individual, the factors determining your success are multidimensional, and you are no less worthy of love or acceptance than anyone else. Remember to give yourself love and acceptance.
It may also help to think back to the fortune cookie. It’s not the outside (the results, the imperfection, the nasty tasteless cookie) that holds novelty, it’s the message and meaning (who you are as a person, your willingness to try again, and the ability to trust life’s process) inside.
Navigating Your Child's Needs
by Sunetra Martinez, Ph.D., LPC-S
Licensed Professional Counselor-Supervisor
October 24, 2019
Understanding a child’s needs in school is a challenge faced by many parents and educators. From the time a child enters pre-school to the time you see them walk across the stage to get their diploma, you wonder if you are doing everything in your power to help your child. We all know that every child is different and learn differently and parents and educators must acknowledge this in order to best help the child. Every youngster, no matter where they are in their journey in school, has various challenges that they must tackle to be successful and happy. School success is not only about grades but also enjoying the process of learning.
Research indicates that between 2006 and 2008, 1 in 6 children in the United States have been identified to have a disability. The CDC reported that between 2014 and 2016, the prevalence of children being diagnosed with developmental disabilities increased from 5.76% to 6.99%. These disabilities include, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, intellectual disability, autism, cerebral palsy, seizures, stuttering or stammering, moderate to profound hearing loss, blindness, learning disorders, and/or other developmental delays. According to the CDC, in 2018 approximately 1 in 59 children were diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Boys are four times more likely to be diagnosed with autism than girls. Most children were still being diagnosed after age 4, though autism can be reliably diagnosed as early as age 2.
Often it is difficult to figure out if a child is showing signs of attention problems, anxiety, and/or other developmental delays. Sometimes a child is just being a child and may need a few years to develop their cognitive and social-emotional skills to be successful in school and regulate their behaviors. Learning that your child may need additional support in and/or outside of school can be tough and knowing where to start is even more daunting.
Older kids and adolescents have their own struggles as well. Current research has suggested that social media and electronic devices may be associated with a higher prevalence of depression and anxiety in our teens. In order to better help our youth with the changing of times, we must better educate ourselves in being their biggest advocates, to help them succeed in life. Figuring out what that support looks like and how to navigate those resources are essential.
We can help you learn about different services that are available to you, such as 504 accommodations and Special Education services and what it all means. Some kiddos may need to learn some strategies to help them cope by seeing the school counselor or an outside therapist. Sometimes knowing what options are out there can help calm your anxiety as well as that your child’s. They say it takes a village to raise a child, we want to make sure that you have all the right folks in your village!!
On Overcoming Hardships and Trauma
By Amanda Trost, Graduate Student
September 19, 2019
“Never allow legitimate excuses to get in the way of your progress.” I copied down these words and taped the paper they were written on to the back of my closet door in 2013, after hearing them in a speech that changed both my personal and professional outlook. Each day since, my morning includes a visit with these words, which never fail to inspire satisfaction for the obstacles I overcame and eager anticipation of those I have yet to attempt to address or encounter.
I thank motivational speaker Jonathan Grant Brown for the sign on my closet door. He coined what is now my mantra throughout his story of setbacks and resilience. Jonathan’s mother abandoned him in a public park when he was 5. Life then handed him one disappointment after another until he began to use them not as reasons to fail but reasons to excel.
Listening to the way his story served as a catalyst for helping others, I was moved to think about my own story. I am myself a child abuse survivor. I’ve seen first-hand the destruction that alcoholism and mental illness can inflict on a family. There were nights I slept on park benches, covered in mosquito bites and took handouts from strangers just to eat. I started wearing makeup to cover up bruises, not because I wanted to fit in with my friends. Because abuse often goes hand in hand with the unwritten rules of “don’t talk, don’t trust, and don’t feel” (adultchildren.org), I never questioned why things were the way they were and never admitted to myself that there was anything wrong with the way the people who loved me treated me. As a young adult, I found myself in a situation equally dysfunctional to the one I grew up in. I was repeating the cycle. It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom that I was able to live as Jonathan does, and begin to refuse to allow legitimate excuses to get in the way of my progress, that things began to change.
My story contains elements I felt shaky and uncomfortable even starting to examine, but each time I share it, from working on understanding in my own counseling to speaking in front of an audience, elements of shame continue to turn into pride and resilience. Through fully embracing the events that made me who I am today, hardships are turned into building blocks. There are still times that I struggle, when old patterns of thinking emerge, where I say or do something I regret based on outdated fears, and I know that this is a product of my past. The beautiful part is though, that I continue to get better at catching myself, and I continue to get better at being kinder to myself and those around me.
Another beautiful part is that people who have heard me speak often tell me that my story inspires and reminds them that they have the capacity to do the same. It was this realization, that authenticity is contagious, that drastically changed my approach to teaching and turned me from a struggling new educator, clueless about content and classroom management, to a district curriculum writer and teacher of the year. Refusing to allow legitimate excuses to get in the way of my progress meant that I faced issues head on instead of living in denial, an approach I modeled and used with my students. My classroom became a place of empowerment for students, and seeing them gain clarity and passion for tackling their own obstacles and reframing them from liabilities to assets filled me with a sense of purpose. In transitioning from education to a career in counseling, I am able to provide that place of empowerment for others in a different capacity.
By adopting the mindset that even legitimate excuses don’t have to hinder our progress, we develop a sense of resilience and a knowledge that we can go through hard things and end up okay. Whatever obstacles, whatever traumas, tragedies, hardships, or injustices you have had to endure, or whatever traumas, tragedies, hardships, or injustices you have yet to endure, you have it in you to recover and to use them as instruments of understanding, perseverance, and success.
Elements of Change
by Tim Coulter, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
January 18, 2019
Transitioning from one stage of life to the next can often be daunting and confusing. Whether your transition is related to eliminating unhealthy relationships, changing your career, attaining personal goals, or any number of other areas, developing a plan to guide your transition can make the change less scary and easier to obtain. Today we’ll explore four different areas that all play a vital role in your transition. The four areas are: 1) a healthy sense of urgency, 2) reviewing options and paths to achieve them, 3) accepting the necessity of change, and 4) focusing on realistic goals and making plans in line with those goals. Most of us recognize that change needs to be made, but are ambivalent about actually making the change. We’re faced with a tough fork in the road – the pain the comes with staying the same on one route and the pain that change brings on the other. Having a plan that includes the four areas above can make the path to change clearer, less anxiety provoking, and more attainable.
Let’s start by exploring what it means to have a healthy sense of urgency. Healthy is the key word here! Most of us fall into the trap of either doing far too little or trying to do far too much, all at once. Clearly, procrastination is a big enemy of change, but a little less clearly lurks another enemy - fatigue. Procrastination - we’ve all been there! We know that a relationship is unhealthy or that we aren’t happy with our job, but keep putting off the tough conversation or the job search. On one hand, tough conversations can lead to awkwardness and rejection and job searching can be exhausting and also full of rejection. On the other hand, unhealthy relationships lead to stress and anxiety and employment that is draining you of life can lead to unhappiness and lethargy. Let’s look at fatigue using the same too scenarios – by having too many tough conversations or rushing those conversations the result can be emotionally draining and create tiredness and by applying for 50 jobs a day the chance of feeling rejected and unmotivated increase. Having a healthy sense of urgency not only reminds you of the need to change, but also keeps you focused by warding off procrastination and fatigue. Finding motivation by either digging deep or with the help of a therapist can heighten your sense of urgency and help you boldly continue down the scary path of change. Do too little and the situation you’re in will continue to bog you down; do too much and you can wear yourself out. Identifying what healthy transitions look like and strategies to maximize your efforts are crucial in maintaining a pace that will move you towards your goals without making the process super painful and tiresome. This is an area that partnering with your therapist can provide a tremendous benefit. Together the two of you can identify what your true motivations are, how to tap into that motivation, and can set clear boundaries to keep your sense of urgency healthy.
The next area we’re going to explore is reviewing options and paths to achieve them. Many people feel that there is only one way that conflict can be resolved or only one type of job they can do. The limiting self-statements that we’ve learned to make over the years are a big hindrance in identifying which options are available and how we’re going to get there. For example, some parents feel the only way to get through to their teenage child is by punishment or some other version of external control. This becomes a way of being rather than thinking through other options that might lead to a more mutually beneficial and attractive result. Very rarely is there only one path or one strategy to make the changes that you want to make. Take a minute to imagine a mountain climber who is tackling Mount Everest. If the mountain climber only focuses on the peak and ignores the many, many steps it takes to get there, the chances of succeeding drop significantly. Due to a number of challenges including weather, acts of nature, and overall difficulty the climber can’t expect to reach the peak without deviating from the initial plan. If the climber refuses to reevaluate and adjust the chances of success, again, diminish greatly. The more successful approach includes focusing on the step that is right in front of the climber, analyzing how that immediate step relates to the overall goal, and making adjustments as needed. By looking only at the peak, one can lose sight of the process! Taking time to analyze your current strategy and enlisting the help of your counselor to talk through potential alternative strategies is an excellent way to uncover new options and outline the exact steps those options need.
Accepting the necessity of change is one of the biggest challenges we’ll explore. Many times people have an image in their mind of what something or someone is and it can be really challenging to divorce oneself from that image. A perfect example is someone who is in a bad relationship and romanticizes the concept of being in a relationship rather than analyzing how that relationship is related to their unhappiness. Accepting that something in your life has to change can be tough and your therapist can help you with it. The first step is recognizing that the situation your in does not match your skills/talents/desires/values. If you feel unsatisfied in any aspect of your life, there may be a need to change something.
Some changes require multiple steps over an extended period of time and other changes need more immediate action. Regardless of what area in your life you want to transition out of, one of the best strategies is to set realistic goals and makes plans. Remember the mountain climber I mentioned before? Do you think he or she tackles the climb without a plan in place? No one can expect to immediately reach the peak of the “mountain” they’re climbing without having realistic goals and making plans. Let’s say you’re single and looking for the right romantic relationship that will satisfy all your needs. If you take no action, what are the chances your perfect 10 knocks on your door and immediately transports you to relationship heaven? Not very high. You can, however, make a realistic plan to increase your exposure both in person and online and set realistic goals of how and when your plan will evolve. So what is a realistic goal anyway? A realistic goal is attainable (is this actually possible?), measurable (how will I know when I’ve reached this goal?), and time bound (when should I be able to reach this goal?). Many goals fail simply because they are not broken down into small enough pieces. Having a therapist to guide you, help hold yourself accountable, and help you break down each step of your journey can be immensely helpful.
What changes do you want to make? What transitions need to happen to give you a more satisfying and meaningful life? These questions can be tough to answer and even harder to take action on. We’re here to help! In collaboration with you, we can put together a plan that helps you identify and accept the transitions that need to take place, how to approach them with an appropriate sense of urgency, what your current options look like, and a plan that helps you set realistic goals and a path to achieve them. Don’t wait for January 2020 to take the first step in conquering your mountain!
Stress and Anxiety
by Charlotte Parrott, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
November 21, 2018
Stress and anxiety both involve our body’s sympathetic nervous system, which is part of the unconscious nervous system that regulates bodily functions such as the heart rate, breathing, and digestion. When you perceive danger, the sympathetic nervous system reacts causing a fight or flight response where physical and hormonal reactions prepare you for running away or defending yourself from the threat. Because they involve the same physical system, stress and anxiety can share similar physical symptoms, including worry, trouble sleeping, fatigue, upset stomach, racing heartbeat, and irritability.
Stress is often sparked by things outside ourselves like work deadlines, big events, parenting challenges, and busy schedules. Short-term stress in and of itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but chronic stress can be harmful to your health and your wellbeing. There are many practical steps you can take to better manage stress: learning relaxation and deep breathing techniques, practicing mindfulness, journaling, and exercising can all be helpful in reducing the impact of stress.
When does stress become something more? Unlike stress, which decreases when you’re crossing things off your To Do List, anxiety is a higher state of physiological arousal that does not easily go away. Even simple things can feel overwhelming when you’re anxious and it can be hard for you to function in your life. Anxiety can take on many different forms including strong physical feelings of anxiety like panic attacks, worries that make it hard for you to be around other people, excessive worry that doesn’t seem to go away, or intrusive memories of traumatic events. Anxiety disorders are the most common type of mental illness, affecting over 40 million Americans every year.
Whether you’re coping with stress or anxiety, therapy is a powerful tool that can help you get back to your life. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a present-focused, goal-oriented therapy that helps you examine the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are negatively impacting your life. If you’re struggling with stress, CBT can help you find solutions to problems, learn strategies to reduce symptoms of physical stress, and learn to think about stressors in a healthy and resilient way. If you’re struggling with anxiety or the effects of chronic stress, research has shown CBT to be an effective and efficient therapy for reducing anxiety and improving your mood. Therapy for anxiety can involve identifying goals or things that trigger your worry, learning to reframe automatic negative thoughts, and desensitizing yourself to the outsized physical reactions that can accompany anxiety. Beginning therapy can feel daunting, but it can be an important step to regaining quality of life.
TIPS TO HELP YOUR CHILD OR TEEN DEAL WITH ANXIETY
by Alexandra Jodlowski, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
August 23, 2023
Is your child experiencing anxiety? Know when it is time to seek professional help. According to the American Psychological Association, anxiety is “an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts, and physical changes like increased blood pressure.”
-Is your child presenting physical signs of anxiety such as headaches, fast heartbeat or breathing, vomiting/nausea, feeling restless, tearfulness, tension or trouble sleeping?
-Is your child’s anxiety persistently affecting his everyday routine?
Anxiety can be tough to handle at home and even more so when we are living fast-paced lives and we are on the go. Having some tips at hand can come a long way when helping your child feel better and can help you cope better as a family. Make sure you…
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Be on the lookout for physical signs of anxiety. You know your child the best and can easily pick up on any behavior changes/patterns.
-
Do not panic, instead help your child relax by trying a deep breathing exercise. This will help with his/her emotional regulation and will bring them calm.
-
Validate your child’s fear. It is important for them to feel heard and respected. And, most importantly understood by their loved ones.
-
Help your child face their fears by walking the path along with them and providing verbal and emotional support to show you care and empathize with their situation.
-
Make a plan and put it in action. This can boost confidence and make a huge impact on overcoming anxiety. Start with baby steps and celebrate progress with meaningful rewards.
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Give yourself grace as you are doing your best to help your child! And always remind yourself: You can do this!
EMPOWERING YOUR HIGHSCHOOLER
by Nikki Holmes
Intern
August 26, 2023
TIPS TO HELP YOUR CHILD OR TEEN DEAL WITH ANXIETY
by Alexandra Jodlowski, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
August 23, 2023
Is your child experiencing anxiety? Know when it is time to seek professional help. According to the American Psychological Association, anxiety is “an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts, and physical changes like increased blood pressure.”
-Is your child presenting physical signs of anxiety such as headaches, fast heartbeat or breathing, vomiting/nausea, feeling restless, tearfulness, tension or trouble sleeping?
-Is your child’s anxiety persistently affecting his everyday routine?
Anxiety can be tough to handle at home and even more so when we are living fast-paced lives and we are on the go. Having some tips at hand can come a long way when helping your child feel better and can help you cope better as a family. Make sure you…
-
Be on the lookout for physical signs of anxiety. You know your child the best and can easily pick up on any behavior changes/patterns.
-
Do not panic, instead help your child relax by trying a deep breathing exercise. This will help with his/her emotional regulation and will bring them calm.
-
Validate your child’s fear. It is important for them to feel heard and respected. And, most importantly understood by their loved ones.
-
Help your child face their fears by walking the path along with them and providing verbal and emotional support to show you care and empathize with their situation.
-
Make a plan and put it in action. This can boost confidence and make a huge impact on overcoming anxiety. Start with baby steps and celebrate progress with meaningful rewards.
-
Give yourself grace as you are doing your best to help your child! And always remind yourself: You can do this!