Recommended Reading
Anxiety
The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, by Edmund Bourne
Divorce
The Divorce Remedy, by Michele Weiner Davis
Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On—Together or Apart by Snyder, Baucom, and Gordon
Depression
Feeling Good, by David Burns
General
Learned Optimism, by Martin Seligman, Ph.D.
Book Reviews by Sugar Land Counseling Staff
By Clive Wilby, Sugar Land Counseling Business Coach
I thought I would share the following extracts from the book - The Narcissism Epidemic (Jean M. Twenge Ph.D. and W. Keith Campbell Ph.D.). It is a very well written book that is an easy read despite the complexity of the subject. The authors use easy to understand every-day, practical anecdotes to explain the key concepts.
Frankly, the book made me re-evaluate my parenting approach. Having two boys aged 5 and 7 years I am glad I found the book because I have no desire of bring up two boys with narcissistic tendencies. The difficulty of course is they are exposed to the media (TV and Magazines), school systems and parenting advice that tends to encourage narcissism.
Be aware and be careful to ensure you bring your precious children up right.
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There’s a difference between narcissism and self-confidence. You can tell your child she is good at math, or that she will be good at math if she works hard, without telling her she is “special.”
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Giving up on parenting perfection may actually be a good way to fight narcissism, too. Bombarded with information, many parents today want to mold every aspect of their children’s lives to keep them safe and help them succeed. This is a good impulse, but it is often taken too far. We’ve lost sight of the idea that it is OK for kids to fail once in a while. Ask a room of adults, and most will tell you they learned the most when they did poorly at something. Children who always win develop the idea that they are invincible and better than everyone else. The real world will come as a shock, and they will be too full of themselves to learn from the feedback.
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The same is true of success. Beyond learning itself, the focus should be on developing a love for learning, a sense of efficacy (if I work hard, I can master a topic), the ability to get along with others, and a high level of self-discipline and emotional resilience. It is relatively easy to succeed in life with low self-esteem, but very difficult to succeed without self-control, self-discipline, or emotional resilience in the face of setbacks. It is OK for a child to feel somewhat bad if he or she underperforms in academics, sports, or personal conduct. The child can then learn from the poor performance and be given the opportunity and encouragement to strive to improve. (Note that this does not mean the child feels unworthy of living, just that she feels bad about how she did.) This ability to learn from failure is crucial in life, and is much, much easier in a culture that does not push “specialness.” Children’s sports programs should stop giving trophies to everyone who participates; it is perfectly fine for only the top one or three teams to get trophies.
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Real life—such as getting into college, getting promoted, or playing sports after childhood—does not operate on the “trophies for all” policy. Instead of telling kids what winners they are, it’s better that they learn how to fail with grace and resilience. In academia, we’ve found that this “learning to fail” lesson has been much more useful than the “you’re special” message.
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Of course, parents should still encourage children. The key is to give praise that is specific and emphasizes working hard. Instead of saying “You’re so smart,” say, “You really did well on those math problems. I can tell you tried really hard.” When a child feels discouraged and thinks she can’t do something, focus on the specific skills involved and self-talk needed.
By Clive Wilby - Business Coach - Sugarland Counseling
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